A Guide to Yurpeen Cities

[Papa Lazarou]

Part 1:

Preston.

Preston is a city in the North West of England which would be better off in the North West. It is largely Victorian. Its main industry is theft. My favourite theft in Preston was the theft of most a church. The thieves thieved the entire marble floor and marble altar. On a Saturday. And nobody heard them. Other things of importance in Preston include the fact that it has some shops. Probably quite a lot of shops, but I haven't been there for a few years. And I have no serious intention of going back. The local cuisine is probably cooking.

Preston is also the name of my friend Simon's son. He became the best friend of Paris Hilton in a game show. Simon used to be an utter lunatic but is fairly safe now.


To be continued.  

[Papa Lazarou]

Part 2.

Brighton.

Brighton is a city (tho this is questionable) that is so close to the English Channel that it is likely to slide in soon. Which would not be a bad thing, given that it is a nest of vipers and East End slags and their mollies. Despite this, it has many redeeming features, such as Kemp Town. Kemp Town is twinned with San Fransisco but is more important, if only because of the relative lack of hills. Many famous things have not happened in Brighton, such as the American Civil War. Brighton was invented by the novelist Graham Greene, who wrote Brighton Rock starring Richard Attenborough in about 1964. It hosted shows by such luminaries as the Mods and the Rockers, a part time folk group of little consequence.

Hove is the posh bit.

[notarian]

Yo, Vlad,

Are you okay mate?

[FJR-UK]

 

Part 3?

[remal]

 

Part 3?

PArt 3 Bristol

shithole

I know I live there.


well it's nto that bad

[Papa Lazarou]

Part 4

London. London is the capital of London and is entirely enclosed by a gigantic wall, known locally as the M25. Londoners are rich people who can afford to live in houses. There are a large number of other people who live in London who are not Londoners, and are referred to as homeless. London has some fantastic tourists traps, such as the Tower of London, Wandsworth Prison and the London Dungeon. These institutions can accommodate considerable numbers of tourists, who are only allowed to leave after they have donated a majot organ to the national hobby, the NHS. London is dirty, smelly and very big. Many people called John live there.

PS, Bristol is called Bristol after the very large door knockers that are found there. The phrase "Nipples like wheelnuts on a Scammell" originated in Bristol.

[FJR-UK]

Part 4. Here's a photo to help you illustrate your London description:


The A2 in Deptford.

[Papa Lazarou]

Part 4 (I think)

Paris.

Paris is inhabited by many different cultures and races. It is a truly beautiful city with stacks of (Napoleonic) history. However, all Parisiens are haughty, arrogant thieves who abscond for the summer. Only trust an immigrant.

Oh, and Parisiens can't drive to save their lives (see Cardiff and Rome).

And did I mention that they're all bastards? The French are great but Parisiens suck.

[FJR-UK]

From Vlad the Impala to Bondage Bear? How did you do that? And why? Are you afraid of the Parisiennes?  

[Papa Lazarou]

From Vlad the Impala to Bondage Bear? How did you do that? And why? Are you afraid of the Parisiennes?  

Because I hate them

[Snowdog]

Part 5

Coventry

English city to which unpopular people are sent.

Famous for being bombed, a cathedral and some naked bint on a horse.

[Papa Lazarou]

I see you've been there.

[miles]

I'm not sure I understand this list.  So far only one Yurpeen city has been described- Paris, to those who haven't been following the festivities.

The rest (London, Coventry, Bristol, et al) have actually been sequestered on some off-shore tax haven the French amusingly refer to as "over there".  They aren't really Yurpeen at all.

Please explain.

[Papa Lazarou]

No.

Rome has some interesting architecture that was invented in 1978 by a man called Julius Caesar, who invaded places, including Rome and somebody called Pompi. Perhaps. He had a friend called Brutus who designed the snarlingly smelly Vespa, which has reduced much of Caesar's buildings to rubble-check out the Coliseum, if you don't believe me. All Romans look like Mussolini, who was hanged upside down from a lamp post just before the pollution from Vespas rotted it through.

A[art from the "fun" driving and JC's architecture, best avoided.

[Ant]

Part 5

Coventry

English city to which unpopular people are sent.

Famous for being bombed, a cathedral and some naked bint on a horse.

Wait! I'm popular!!! No really...

*ahem*

okay no, I'm not.
Although if anyone could arrange it then it would be great if the city could just get bombed in to oblivion again and rebuilt... minus the oiks.

[miles]

Although if anyone could arrange it then it would be great if the city could just get bombed in to oblivion again and rebuilt... minus the oiks.

What, again?

[Papa Lazarou]

Part 7 Anus.

Anus is not a city at all but a nonentity of a village in France. However, its name makes it worthy of a mention.

[Shirker]

Part 7 Anus.

Anus is not a city at all but a nonentity of a village in France. However, its name makes it worthy of a mention.

Probably related to the entity who lives in Horribilis, aka SW1A IAA (Buck House).

Shirker.
Keep 'em coming.

[FJR-UK]

We spent a night in Auxerre, then travelled south along the N151. I can't believe I came within 2 Km of Anus and never even got a shot of a sign post! Bugger!

[jbs80106]

 

Just showed this post to my wife, British ex-pat current ensconced in the colonies...Very Funny!

[Snowdog]

Part 7 Anus.

Anus is not a city at all but a nonentity of a village in France. However, its name makes it worthy of a mention.

If we're including villages, on a similar vein I offer you Poo, a nonentity of a village on the north coast of Spain.

I suppose this must be Part 8 (or is it 7A)

[FJR-UK]

(Sidebar) Wetwang.

Noted mostly for a signpost that keeps disappearing, Wetwang is mostly farm land and sheep herders on the edges of the Yorkshire Wolds. Local inhabitants are making desperate overtures to be twinned with Anus.

[Papa Lazarou]

Part 9  of funny names.

Slugwash Lane is not a city, or even any kind of settlement. But IT IS the longest lane in Sussex (England) without any turn offs.

Why even a Saxon would admit to washing a slug is quite beyond me.


Back to the subject please.

[Papa Lazarou]

Berlin.

Berlin was the capital of the Western Russian empire until it was let off for good behaviour and transformed back into a German Shepherd largely made of of barbed wire.

The people who live in Berlin are named after Berliners, a sort of Hamburger named after President Kennedy. Who was assassinated for betraying the MacDonald's franchise.

Berlin is famous for several things and is probably worth avoiding.

[Ralf]

Berlin.

Berlin was the capital of the Western Russian empire until it was let off for good behaviour and transformed back into a German Shepherd largely made of of barbed wire.

The people who live in Berlin are named after Berliners, a sort of Hamburger named after President Kennedy. Who was assassinated for betraying the MacDonald's franchise.

Berlin is famous for several things and is probably worth avoiding.

Some amusing stuff you've listed. This thread is all very Monty Pythonesque.

Berlin is indeed a dump. Although it's a fairly cheap place to live, the city is broke, has huge problems with unemployment and crime, has a gay major, the largest Turkish population outside of Istanbul and plenty of neo nazis. And the beer is crap too.

Munich is the place to be in Germany, and we've got this:

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/09/oktoberfest_2009.html

[miles]

Munich is the place to be in Germany, and we've got this:

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/09/oktoberfest_2009.html

Mmm... beer and bewbies.

[Papa Lazarou]

Munich, the hormone prescribing capital of the world.  

[Tar Snake]

Hey! got any of those Welsh towns with all the consants in them?

Learn me about those please!

[Papa Lazarou]

Hey! got any of those Welsh towns with all the consants in them?

Learn me about those please!

Sigh.

Llanelli.

It has a nice road that circles around it.

Best to leave the locals beating each other up.